Why Astronauts Matter (Sort of)

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“It’s nice to know that if we ever have a nuclear war, there will be three guys in space going, ‘What was that noise?'” -Robin Williams

Astronauts are not intellectuals. Quite the opposite- they are guinea pigs. No scientific, spiritual, or political revolution ever came from an astronaut, that’s for sure. Most of them are macho old white guys from the military and I think that says plenty about their lacking cranial activity.

But I digress… There’s something we are not taking seriously about the astronauts. And that is, if there is a worldwide nuclear war, the handful of astronauts currently on board the International Space Station will be the only survivors of planet earth. That means that the astronauts are potentially responsible for continuing the rest of humanity if nuclear war should occur. After nuclear war has settled and the toxins left over have cleared, the astronauts could return to earth via the Soyuz capsule and attempt to begin the earth and humanity anew. (Some people would argue that some individuals from the military would survive nuclear war by going into underground tunnels, but the debris and fumes left over after a nuclear war could be toxic for months or years- for instance the lethal debris/dust of the WTC buildings have killed more people than the actual terrorist attacks. So only astronauts equipped to stay on ISS for long periods -and hopefully with some farming capabilities on board or else a very large supply of Soylent- would be able to wait off the clearance of the nuclear war debris to return to earth, while the military people in tunnels would probably suffocate from toxic fumes).

If this is a possibility -the astronauts being the only ones to survive nuclear war- then we definitely should not be putting old, ugly, white, boneheaded men up there. We need to be putting younger, more fertile, and attractive people up there because they could possibly be responsible for continuing all of our species. Fertility, youth, attractiveness, intelligence should be a requirement for astronauts. Perfect genetic test results should absolutely be a requirement. Do you want an ugly, old, boneheaded man being the individual from which all of the rest of future humanity comes? Point made. Moreover, we need to stop all the white people from going up there. Seriously. Put some frickin diversity up there, or else all other ethnicities are risking possible extinction. And there should be an equal number of men and women on board ISS at any time- if there are only men up there, obviously there will be no hope for the continuance of humanity in the event of nuclear war. Or else, at least allow some children to become astronauts.

So, do I want to be an astronaut? Well, knowing that the ISS is literally the only place that guarantees my safety and survival, all of us who are qualified should be fighting to the death for access to a spot on the ISS. Being younger, more fertile, and more attractive than most aging, bald military men, I would be a better option for potentially continuing the species. Having traveled to some horrid parts of the world enough -India, Africa, Asia, Florida- I know that the levels of chaos, ignorance, destruction, and religious intolerance are so high worldwide that nuclear war would not be particularly surprising should it happen. But I would rather be a commercial astronaut, so that I can fly by my own space rules… So at the onset of nuclear war, I would load up my personal spaceship (designed to float in space indefinitely and designed specifically for nuclear war survival) with Soylent, water, a urea bioelectrochemical system, a few outfits that beat NASA jumpsuits in swag levels (because you’ve gotta be fashionable while saving humanity), and blast off right before nuclear war erupts. And after we begin the renewal of earth and humanity, I would write a book entitled “The Blonde that Survived Nuclear War” so that my descendants could do as I did in case of further catastrophe. Take that blonde jokes.