Contact Debunked

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The extraterrestrial intelligences in the Milky Way are watching you.

Oh yes, that’s right, they’re watching. They probably find you to be the equivalent of an insect. But they’re watching, they know who you are.

So let’s set this whole alien contact thing straight. We just haven’t thought it through. The Fermi Paradox needs a trash bin. Radio contact  is, well, an ape-brained idea.

Here we are, infants in the cosmos, babies in terms of evolution’s prowess. And yet… we will soon (astronomically speaking) be taking pictures of the other earths. In a few hundred years we will have telescopes that will be taking photographs of the other earth-like exoplanets. Assuming that some of the extraterrestrial intelligences are slightly more advanced than us, they’ve been taking pictures of us for awhile… Their technologies have zoomed into the details of planet earth. In fact, they’re probably listening in right now. They probably know what you ate for breakfast. They’re studying you, maybe even writing scientific papers about you.  They know everything about you. Maybe they even have the technology to peek into your thoughts… And alas, when you do something embarrassing -say trip down the stairs- and think “Phew, no one saw” -well, hate to break it to you, but the aliens saw. And maybe even laughed at you. I’m not sure if that’s their kind of humor.

So… if they know everything about us… why the heck would they need or want to contact us? Um, they don’t.

Well, those selfish jerks, maybe they could at least help us out a little? Give us some technology blueprints for harnessing celestial energy or help us solve this whole global over-population-poverty-crime-under-educated mess that we’ve gotten ourselves into.

Nah, they can’t really do that. They can’t really help us out much even if they wanted to. You see, we’re like insects to them. Or maybe rats. Can we help out the insects in any way? If we could communicate with the insects and say, “Hey guys, we’d like to help you out, give you some technology, help make the hive a better place.” Well. That wouldn’t really make much sense would it? That’s what we’re like to them. They don’t know how to solve our problems because we are so differently evolved than them. They might travel and use energy so differently than how we do it that they simply have no help to offer.

And Radio contact. Oh, brother. That just makes the silliest assumption ever- that the intelligences out there have the exact same technology that we do. Come on, there’s just so little chance of that.

So that old Fermi Paradox needs to stick a sock in it. The aliens are out there, of course, jesus. How can you not look at a full star field and not be utterly numbed by the sheer number of planetary possibilities that exist in one tiny pinprick of space? They’re there, they just have no reason to talk to us… because they’re already listening to everything we say…

And they don’t want to cause global upset to a land of already struggling apes. Or worse, unintentionally start the interstellar wars that they’ve seen us depict so perpetually in our entertainment. We’ve scared them to death! They’ve watched our movies and know that if they so much as say “hi” that they might risk being blown to smithereens. We don’t seem too friendly to them, so they don’t really want to give us a ring and say “hey earthlings, what’s up?” So, perhaps Hollywood is to blame, among other problems, for the reason the aliens don’t want to give us a galactic greeting. The entertainment industry hasn’t merely ruined our culture, it has destroyed our chance of cosmic connection.

This is just one speculation. But if they are watching everything that we’re doing… you could say that there’s a “god.” Not a wrinkly, wise, all-knowing Santa Claus in the clouds, but whoever the Commander in Chief alien is. When you pray, the aliens are listening in. When you say that you think there’s some all-powerful and all-knowing being in the Universe, well, that’s our old buddies the aliens. No wonder we have this deeply ingrained feeling of “someone watching over us”- it’s true, just not in the mythical, supernatural way our ancestors imagined. Maybe the aliens even made us. Maybe they manipulated our solar system so that it would be more likely of forming life… Maybe they have the power and technology to discreetly “interfere” with your life’s path. The aliens are our gods. We are their science experiment. We are their source of entertainment. Sorry for the dire news.